May 1, 2010 letter

this letters to a guy...a guy i thought i loved...im always wrong though...this letter is for any girls who thought she had the perfect relationship, but the guy screwed it up like they normally do...and, this is the starting point to letting go
Dear ____

I dont know why...but there is something about you i cant let go of. I would die for you, any second...i know that sounds korny and lame, but its true. I dont, well, i wouldn't say i loved you..but...there is something more than a friendship there and for some reason, no matter how many times you knock me down, i will still like you. I dont know why, but whenever i see you i get butterflies in my stomach that wont go away. well, its not butterflies. butterflies is a foolish term for puppy love, but its more like a longing for something i can never have, and it hurts me to know i can't. the agony in my heart causes this pain which i dont know how to explain. and i feel stupid for rambling on.
And, i dont know why i cant get over you, but im trying, i really am. probably next year i'll have a new boyfriend and move on, but until then i will suffer with the fact that you dont want me and never will and the dreams i had of you and i being perfect for eachother. you know, you and i could have made the whole world jealous? but why would you want me when you had these perfect girls at your disposal...you would never love someone like me...and i know it.
i wish you could feel about me the way i do about you. then you could see how i'm suffering...because, i want this feeling to go away...its killing me inside and driving whats left of my sanity away....i hate this so much. worst thing ever. why did you have to be so perfect? please tell me you hate me or something. help me move on...i dont want to loose you but i can no longer play your games...
you take advantage of me and use me at your leisure. you but me to shame because i swore to myself i would never put myself in the position i am now again. i thought my first heartbreak was bad...but now here you are...the second, and i can hardly stand the pain you have caused me.
your so amazing, so flawless...how stupid was i to believe, for one minute, that you could actually have feelings for me. i know it was to good to be true from the very start, but apparently i like setting myself up for disaster.
i saw her, so perfect, so incredibly beautiful. you seemed to feel for her in an amazing way. yes, i admit, i was jealous, but not anymore.
you made me feel amazing for a while, but now i just feel like the gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe...you walk on it for so long, until you realize you dont want it there, and throw it away, just like you did to me.
i lied to you, i told you i was over you...but i wasn't....so why did you even say you liked me in the first place...getting my hopes up even though you had a girlfriend...please tell me why?
i dont know if i would have been that good of a girlfriend...but i would have been there for you no matter what...i know you have alot of problems, and if you would have let me, i would have stayed with you through everything. i can normally manipulate anyone, but i could never do that to you.
When you offered to be my first kiss, i almost said yes, but then i realized...i want a kiss from a guy who will actually want to kiss me because he chose to love me.
i know i am awful at expressing how i feel, and i will never be able to tell you...but you drive me crazy, and i cant stand it. i cant even explain why i was as foolish i was as to think you would have any feelings for me at all. but you know whats funny? you will text me and we will have a great time talking, like yuo really actually enjoy a conversation with me..but in person, you act like you ont even know me...like i dont even exsist. did i do something wrong? what did i say that makes you think its okay to treat me like this?
i just dont know anymore...unless you realize something before its to late, i have no chance with you...now i dont know what to do...do i give up and move on? or do i wait around for you, wishing and waiting, but secretly knowing in the depths of my heart it will never happen. you could never feel this way for me. you could not keep up a relationship with me. you seem to hate me...and get bored of me easily, but i dont know, i just dont know anymore...your to good for me i believe...and i think you know it


sincerly,
your lost love