"ya, she'll give it to you, but think of how many others guys have had the same thing"

i have learned 2 things this week:

1- anestetics from surgery are evil and make you choke and cough!
2- guys are never going to get it



I wanted to tell him so badly today. the idoit was making the biggest mistake of his life and walking right into the trap. so what the heck! go with the flow,  not warn him of the trap, see how his life ends up without me :) goodbye jerk! hope she's as good to you as i was... :)

For now...in highschools, the guys are going to date and makeout with the sluts who have everything to offer, no regrets, and their going to leave the good girls (who kept thier tongues in their mouths) back in the dust making us feel worthless...but in the long run, do things ever change?

I'm Back!

hey everyone:)

It has been an insane summer!

California, then to Idaho, and Montana!

Now I am back in rainy wonderful oregon :)

My summer was so amazing, so far, but since the surgery (had surgery on my feet) i have had to time settle down since my crazy summer:) i'll start adding new post tommoarrow but just wanted to update today :)

Thansk for reading!!

May 9, 2010

 "some people come into your life forever, but with other...its only a moment.."

uhm...sorry haven't posted in a while, been having some friend problems...people aren't always who they say there are and they dont always stick around for as long as you want them to...and they dont always keep their promises, except for the ones that drive them away even further...just because i'm bettering myself, some people get mad and leave to make themselves feel better....i understand that some friendships are only temporary, it doesn't mean i have to like it...but oh well...i guess...if people can't really take me for who i am or for who i want to be, then are they really true friends? are they really gonna be honest? be there for you? be the one holding your hair when your throwing up all the booze from your 21st birthday? are they gonna be the that brings the frosting, whipped cream, and ice cream when you get your heart broken?


i have never had a friendship for longer than two years, and i know i probably never will, but a girl can always hope right? but it's whatever i guess....and then...i mostly only have guy friends, then sometimes they will devoloped crushes and stop talking to me and stop the friendship and i'm like..."what the heck!?!?!?!" ughhhh.....

i suck at friendships....but oh well...they never last, the friend never sticks around no matter how hard you try...but thats life i guess...i must be stupid because if your supposed to learn from your mistakes...i have not learned a thing, and do i keep making the same mistake or is it the other person who messes everything up...i just dont know anymore honestly...

and screw life i guess!!!! hhahaha, it sucks, and....your going to get every hardship thrown at you but oh well, you have to suffer with the concequences of what you do...and just because your a good person, then, that doesn't mean nothing bad is gonna happen to you...most likely, everything bad will happen to you because your a strong person and the weaker people wouldn't be able to take half the stuff the good strong person will do


but who really cares anymore, only the people with nothing better to do analyze eachothers livess and try to mess them up, but the people with a future dont give in AND  do not care!! honestly, i have walked away from all the drama in my life...i just walked away...and..now im the loner sitting in the library alone at lunch time...or at second lunch i hang out with a group of guys but i doubt i'm wanted there either!! hahaha, oh wellll

well, i'm to tired to edit this post! im going back to bed after thiss...sooo...i'll try to post tommorrow....but whatever, i dont even know at this poinnt...i'm half asleep so i wont even rememeber what i wrote...welll....i am going to bed...night...

May 4, 2010...he's with her now

"love is a choice, not a feeling, the only feelings there are is lust"

This is for the guy i thought i knew...but i saw him today holding someone else in his arms...i was in so much agony i couldn't even cry...this is for him


your with her tonight.
holding her in her arms.
she is so beautiful.
i knew i never would be good enough for you.
you left me out in the cold...
everything i thought i knew was a lie.
i wonder how many times you have said you love her,
because, i want to compare it to how many times you said you loved me.
tell me why?
why did you leave me?
what did i do?
was the thought of a commitment to me unbearable?
i thought you loved me.
i believed you.
i let you in,
you broke me down.
you stole my heart.
your with her now.
you seem happy.
i still love you.
you know i'm always there.
i will never leave your side...
i'll be down waiting for you,
and when you knocked out by her,
i'll pick up the pieces.
hoping maybe you'll give them to me once again, fully...
but then you get up and hand those pieces of your heart to the next one.
the next fall.
your next everything.




        ~~~lost love

May 3, 2010

"what if we knew all the 'what if's' in life?"

you know when you loose the one you had the most feelings for...they leave you...without warning...throwing you into the unknown and leaving questions unanswered...and...you wonder what would happen if they person never left you? or if you lasted another year? what if they never wanted to say goodbye?  after they leave you, you never know...and the thought of the new beginning that lies ahead is scary...but...i guess that may be all the thrill in life, being left on your own, starting over...or at least trying to

i guess when your led into the unkown your never gonna know all the 'what if's'  but, maybe, if you did know...then...life would be boring... and...you would never get  the full expeirence...if we knew everything in life...then...would what mistakes would we make to learn from?

May 1, 2010 Days Past

forever lost in the wind

whispers stranded out at sea

the songs playing on repeat

you meant the world to me

lost words in the shadows

withdrawn to corners of the room
gone with the night...
taken with the moon

quiet of the sunrise
gloomy thoughts on hills
rising of the morning light
a new beginning still

midday clouds are coming

solitary on the field
wishing, waiting to tell you
but cant get past your shield

fading lights are here

stars brilliant in the sky
streetlamps glowing in abandon alleys

alone once again... with the thought of your lies

May 1, 2010 Since you broke my heart.....

You told me it would be okay.
The days without you would pass.
You would be back for me.
But you never came...
You never showed up.
You left me standing there.
The thought of you still haunts me.
The fact you couldn't make a commitment.
The realization you will never love me.
Did you know i loved you?
More than i had ever loved,
More than i believed one person could love.
I thought you were the one.
The one who could bring me out of my misery,
Out, and away from my pain.
But i was wrong,
I always am,
I'm never right...
I gave my all.
And you gave nothing...
Only silence.
Since you broke my heart
I can't pick up the pieces.
I still miss you
Please come back

its amazing how many times you can have your heart broken...and the pieces shattered all over the floor...guys/girls can leave you hanging wondereing what would have happened if they stayed, if they said they wanted to be with you instead of just walking away...but everything happens for a reason and things that remain unknown should probably stay that way.

May 1, 2010 letter

this letters to a guy...a guy i thought i loved...im always wrong though...this letter is for any girls who thought she had the perfect relationship, but the guy screwed it up like they normally do...and, this is the starting point to letting go
Dear ____

I dont know why...but there is something about you i cant let go of. I would die for you, any second...i know that sounds korny and lame, but its true. I dont, well, i wouldn't say i loved you..but...there is something more than a friendship there and for some reason, no matter how many times you knock me down, i will still like you. I dont know why, but whenever i see you i get butterflies in my stomach that wont go away. well, its not butterflies. butterflies is a foolish term for puppy love, but its more like a longing for something i can never have, and it hurts me to know i can't. the agony in my heart causes this pain which i dont know how to explain. and i feel stupid for rambling on.
And, i dont know why i cant get over you, but im trying, i really am. probably next year i'll have a new boyfriend and move on, but until then i will suffer with the fact that you dont want me and never will and the dreams i had of you and i being perfect for eachother. you know, you and i could have made the whole world jealous? but why would you want me when you had these perfect girls at your disposal...you would never love someone like me...and i know it.
i wish you could feel about me the way i do about you. then you could see how i'm suffering...because, i want this feeling to go away...its killing me inside and driving whats left of my sanity away....i hate this so much. worst thing ever. why did you have to be so perfect? please tell me you hate me or something. help me move on...i dont want to loose you but i can no longer play your games...
you take advantage of me and use me at your leisure. you but me to shame because i swore to myself i would never put myself in the position i am now again. i thought my first heartbreak was bad...but now here you are...the second, and i can hardly stand the pain you have caused me.
your so amazing, so flawless...how stupid was i to believe, for one minute, that you could actually have feelings for me. i know it was to good to be true from the very start, but apparently i like setting myself up for disaster.
i saw her, so perfect, so incredibly beautiful. you seemed to feel for her in an amazing way. yes, i admit, i was jealous, but not anymore.
you made me feel amazing for a while, but now i just feel like the gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe...you walk on it for so long, until you realize you dont want it there, and throw it away, just like you did to me.
i lied to you, i told you i was over you...but i wasn't....so why did you even say you liked me in the first place...getting my hopes up even though you had a girlfriend...please tell me why?
i dont know if i would have been that good of a girlfriend...but i would have been there for you no matter what...i know you have alot of problems, and if you would have let me, i would have stayed with you through everything. i can normally manipulate anyone, but i could never do that to you.
When you offered to be my first kiss, i almost said yes, but then i realized...i want a kiss from a guy who will actually want to kiss me because he chose to love me.
i know i am awful at expressing how i feel, and i will never be able to tell you...but you drive me crazy, and i cant stand it. i cant even explain why i was as foolish i was as to think you would have any feelings for me at all. but you know whats funny? you will text me and we will have a great time talking, like yuo really actually enjoy a conversation with me..but in person, you act like you ont even know me...like i dont even exsist. did i do something wrong? what did i say that makes you think its okay to treat me like this?
i just dont know anymore...unless you realize something before its to late, i have no chance with you...now i dont know what to do...do i give up and move on? or do i wait around for you, wishing and waiting, but secretly knowing in the depths of my heart it will never happen. you could never feel this way for me. you could not keep up a relationship with me. you seem to hate me...and get bored of me easily, but i dont know, i just dont know anymore...your to good for me i believe...and i think you know it


sincerly,
your lost love

Sooooo...this blog is all my poetry, thoughts, and i just started this to get it down somewhere so i wouldnt forget, and life is to good to keep to yourself...even if no one reads this...i wanted it to be out there somewhere....


It is my heart put into words...



and i will also be writing about things i have helped others with
...and what they have been through

So i guess thats a good introduction...

Keep checking back for more poetry and my little blurps of things i wanna say...
I will try to post as often as I can...
thanks...anddd....
Hope you enjoy! :)